I find it amazing that when people announce a serious illness, they get support, sympathy, calls, visits, and even cards and flowers. A physical illness that is.
So what about when people suffer from depression or PTSD (Yes, shell shock affects survivors of abusive homes, violent crimes and more) or panic disorder. What about other bipolar disorders or anxiety disorder? Tell somebody you've been depressed and the likely reponses are enough to unbalance any see saw. Take vitamins, take a vacation, go to church (chant), get a job, get a 'real' job, "Look how bad "THEY" have it...you should appreciate what YOU have!" Mental illness is seen as weakness of character in almost all levels of society.
I won't go back into the history of my life as most who know me know it all already. And to be brief in the reference department; if you want to know more about how they came up with the description of mentally ill people as "loonie" aka lunatic...head to Wikipedia and look it up. There are some great descriptions there!
Recently, I had reason to look into my library of information on all of my past afflictions. I say 'past' in the way a cancer survivor in remission says past. I am what I am and first and foremost, am not ashamed of being me. Yes, even BUDDHISTS get depressed, have panic disorder, or schizophrenia just like they get the flu, get in wrecks and even...succumb, to MS, the "Big C" and more. We are human beings.
This is not to say I have not challenged this issue head on. If there's one thing I am, it's a survivor. I am also WHOLE. It took me a lifetime (or more) to get that way, but I'll be damned if I'll let anything discourage me from continuing to work at wellness.
I'm pretty sure my life experiences are the reason I am sometimes bitchy, over-reactive, emotional and on occasion, misguided. Part of my illness is that I often assume the worst about those I love and trust the most because the root of the darkness I have felt, remains a part of me. It isn't that I don't believe in them or their love. I misunderstand and make mountains out of mole hills a lot. There is the "All or Nothing" mentality that comes from being abandoned by my parents only to become the parent, myself. I don't regret taking that role on...I LOVE my family. I do, however, wish that I had been able to be a child at some point in my life.
I think maybe there are people who are so frightened of their own mental weakness or dare I say it, mental illness they can't face it as an affliction. They seem to be the quickest to offer an easy cure. They are often compelled to point to some external cause as a quick fix or attack some internal failure on the part of the sufferer.
So, as I have gone through a 'relapse' of sorts...I wish only a few things. That if there are people who would judge me (and by extension, others like me) they realize there is a reason I am as I am. That I am, as always, taking the action of a Bodhisatva...chanting, seeking guidance and getting the care I need. I have support from those around who really know who I am and love me in spite of or because of all my foibles. After all, I would not BE me without every single thing that has happened to me.
Like anyone, I get tired of defending my shortcomings, but I will never give up trying to communicate. What is my life if I can't make a difference in the life of someone else? Still, I admit it is sometimes to be lazy and weak and think the worst of others than to be strong, take responsibility and shake their tree a little bit. No one is perfect, especially me, but I think I have something to offer the world and will continue to try to do that.
Give more than you take, love more than you get, share more than you dare.
Tuesday, July 20, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
I belong to the Freecycle groups and a recent post to the Freecycle Cafe sister page reminded me of an experience I had many years ago, that made me rethink how to celebrate the 4th. I am sure none of my "Cafe" friends is among those who misuse fire to celebrate our nations independence from England (even my veteran husband reminds me that this is not Veteran's Day or Memorial Day...it is USA day)! I replied to the group with my own story.
"Other than poppers, sparklers and smoke 'bombs', fireworks are illegal to sell, purchase or transport in most states. When I was a little girl my uncles and father would place something they called 'M80s' into beer cans (then made of steel) and blow them apart all over our yard. With six little kids, my mother was panicked during the fiasco, then spent the next day on her hands and knees combing the yard for the shrapnel. This was after she tended several burns we kids had gotten the night before from sparklers, some of which provided us with permanent reminders of our country's independence.
The annual birthday 'celebration' of our country continued for the next third century or so, while I witnessed a neighbors home nearly burned down due to bottle rockets and vehicles in a parking lot in our apartment complex peppered with burn marks inflicted by the activities of the next generation of fools.
But the last straw for me was when I came home from a night of wonderment at a local park, watching the most amazing fireworks show I'd yet seen, to find my dog had crashed through a window after someone, unknown, had shot bottle rockets into our fenced backyard where we thought we'd left him safe. Our beautiful retriever's golden blonde coat was streaming with blood from the cuts he'd suffered from the broken glass, trying to get inside the house. He survived, after an emergency trip to the vet, but forever after, suffered 'shell shock'. He was a cowering mess who would scurry for the closet at the sound of popcorn popping and heft his huge body under the bed at a muffler backfire.
I take responsibility for having left him there. In my naivete, I had faith in the good sense and kindness of others. They can't have known they'd hurt an innocent pet. Right...
Lesson learned, I now secure my animals whenever the 'party' starts. I like a good 4th of July fireworks as much as the next person, but I reserve my own celebration to that put on by professionals. We still do a sparkler or two, but with extreme caution to prevent damage to baby flesh. Mostly we slather on the mosquito repellent and watch the candles on the nation's birthday, glow from a lawn chair in the grass nearby."
"Other than poppers, sparklers and smoke 'bombs', fireworks are illegal to sell, purchase or transport in most states. When I was a little girl my uncles and father would place something they called 'M80s' into beer cans (then made of steel) and blow them apart all over our yard. With six little kids, my mother was panicked during the fiasco, then spent the next day on her hands and knees combing the yard for the shrapnel. This was after she tended several burns we kids had gotten the night before from sparklers, some of which provided us with permanent reminders of our country's independence.
The annual birthday 'celebration' of our country continued for the next third century or so, while I witnessed a neighbors home nearly burned down due to bottle rockets and vehicles in a parking lot in our apartment complex peppered with burn marks inflicted by the activities of the next generation of fools.
But the last straw for me was when I came home from a night of wonderment at a local park, watching the most amazing fireworks show I'd yet seen, to find my dog had crashed through a window after someone, unknown, had shot bottle rockets into our fenced backyard where we thought we'd left him safe. Our beautiful retriever's golden blonde coat was streaming with blood from the cuts he'd suffered from the broken glass, trying to get inside the house. He survived, after an emergency trip to the vet, but forever after, suffered 'shell shock'. He was a cowering mess who would scurry for the closet at the sound of popcorn popping and heft his huge body under the bed at a muffler backfire.
I take responsibility for having left him there. In my naivete, I had faith in the good sense and kindness of others. They can't have known they'd hurt an innocent pet. Right...
Lesson learned, I now secure my animals whenever the 'party' starts. I like a good 4th of July fireworks as much as the next person, but I reserve my own celebration to that put on by professionals. We still do a sparkler or two, but with extreme caution to prevent damage to baby flesh. Mostly we slather on the mosquito repellent and watch the candles on the nation's birthday, glow from a lawn chair in the grass nearby."
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