Mental Health

I find it amazing that when people announce a serious illness, they get support, sympathy, calls, visits, and even cards and flowers. A physical illness that is.

So what about when people suffer from depression or PTSD (Yes, shell shock affects survivors of abusive homes, violent crimes and more) or panic disorder. What about other bipolar disorders or anxiety disorder? Tell somebody you've been depressed and the likely reponses are enough to unbalance any see saw. Take vitamins, take a vacation, go to church (chant), get a job, get a 'real' job, "Look how bad "THEY" have it...you should appreciate what YOU have!" Mental illness is seen as weakness of character in almost all levels of society.

I won't go back into the history of my life as most who know me know it all already. And to be brief in the reference department; if you want to know more about how they came up with the description of mentally ill people as "loonie" aka lunatic...head to Wikipedia and look it up. There are some great descriptions there!

Recently, I had reason to look into my library of information on all of my past afflictions. I say 'past' in the way a cancer survivor in remission says past. I am what I am and first and foremost, am not ashamed of being me. Yes, even BUDDHISTS get depressed, have panic disorder, or schizophrenia just like they get the flu, get in wrecks and even...succumb, to MS, the "Big C" and more. We are human beings.

This is not to say I have not challenged this issue head on. If there's one thing I am, it's a survivor. I am also WHOLE. It took me a lifetime (or more) to get that way, but I'll be damned if I'll let anything discourage me from continuing to work at wellness.

I'm pretty sure my life experiences are the reason I am sometimes bitchy, over-reactive, emotional and on occasion, misguided. Part of my illness is that I often assume the worst about those I love and trust the most because the root of the darkness I have felt, remains a part of me. It isn't that I don't believe in them or their love. I misunderstand and make mountains out of mole hills a lot. There is the "All or Nothing" mentality that comes from being abandoned by my parents only to become the parent, myself. I don't regret taking that role on...I LOVE my family. I do, however, wish that I had been able to be a child at some point in my life.

I think maybe there are people who are so frightened of their own mental weakness or dare I say it, mental illness they can't face it as an affliction. They seem to be the quickest to offer an easy cure. They are often compelled to point to some external cause as a quick fix or attack some internal failure on the part of the sufferer.

So, as I have gone through a 'relapse' of sorts...I wish only a few things. That if there are people who would judge me (and by extension, others like me) they realize there is a reason I am as I am. That I am, as always, taking the action of a Bodhisatva...chanting, seeking guidance and getting the care I need. I have support from those around who really know who I am and love me in spite of or because of all my foibles. After all, I would not BE me without every single thing that has happened to me.

Like anyone, I get tired of defending my shortcomings, but I will never give up trying to communicate. What is my life if I can't make a difference in the life of someone else? Still, I admit it is sometimes to be lazy and weak and think the worst of others than to be strong, take responsibility and shake their tree a little bit. No one is perfect, especially me, but I think I have something to offer the world and will continue to try to do that.

Give more than you take, love more than you get, share more than you dare.