Love is a funny thing. Sometimes it hits you like a ton of bricks and then others, it just sneaks up and grabs you when you least expect it.
My relationship with my daughter began like the first one. It was instantaneous and perfect. Still, my volitile, young temperment probably put a real crimp in what could have been a perfect mother/daughter, best friend relationship. I've been trying to work on that ever since. Still, she will always be my greatest gift.
With my husband, it's another story. Our love is a combination of both. It hit me and apparently snuck up on him.
But, what happened with both of those relationships is, to my way of looking at things, miraculous.
I was one of the most insecure people in the world. That is to say, one of the most egotistical. I was sure everyone was looking at me, thinking negative things or waiting for me to screw up. From my parents to boyfriends and former husbands; even best friends.
What has happened is that I finally feel security. Not just that I have a home, no matter how many times my husband points out that this is indeed "his" house, but in a much deeper way.
The love I feel from them has begun to change me. I am reaching out of my fear for the first time in over three decades; and it is setting me free.
You see, security isn't a ball and chain. Committment is freedom and the security it brings with it makes everything and anything, possible.
I still worry...that's what I do. But, inside that worry I am finding the reasons motivate me instead of trapping me. I actually shared a recent health issue with friends at work because of that security. In their love, they were accepting and generous and understanding.
I still suffer from that illness and at times I still panic, but...the truth is I finally feel as if I have roots again. That panic sets upon me and being human I still feel fear; but it's not the same. For the first time, I have been able to step out of the fear. I go to my place of prayer and meditation and chant with gratitude for that fear. I express appreciation that I am alive!
That hasn't happened for a long, long time.
I want to say thank you; to my husband/friend/partner, to my daughter and the rest of our children and our grandkids...to my siblingfriends (of whom there are five and more) and my parents.
I am determined to survive and no matter how many years go by, will never forget the love.
