My life is full of wondrous things, the best of which are the people I love. We had a benefit for one of my sisters last night and got to see so many of those people, sharing as only family and friends can, in helping her fight the battle against cancer.
There are too many emotions to simplify all that we held in our hearts as we shared the night, snacking on some favorite foods, playing original songs, betting against each other for beautiful works of art...hugging, holding, giving up old grudges, making peace with our past and being, simply, ourselves.
The only way I stop my sister from working on the benefit WITH us was to explain that it was the only way we had to really help her. We can't go through the chemo, we can't feel the pain and we can't suffer the fear and anger she feels. We feel our own anger at the demon none of us can see.
The benefit was a means to an end in many ways. Benefit...the result of a positive action. Benefit...helping others. Benefit...making the world a better place. Benefit...moving forward, changing negative (poison) into positive (medicine). None of us can know the future, but we can do everything in our power to create a positive life that touches others. Whatever pain I feel, someone else is feeling more. How wonderful it would be if I could say, whatever joy I feel, someone else, somewhere, is feeling more.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, November 20, 2009
Family
I got a request, online, from someone, copied from someone else that asked me to post something I am grateful for each day until Thanksgiving. Each day I tried to think about what that meant. Each day there was only one answer; family.
Wondrous things happen to me almost every day. Wishes come true, dreams reappear and give me hope, obstacles are overcome and give me strength, but none of those events or experiences would have real meaning without family.
Family is what we decide it is. For most of us it starts with parents and maybe siblings. For others it starts with the best friend we've ever had or maybe our family of faith or guidance. Sometimes family, means the people who touch our lives with courage or understanding, giving us hope. Family for some, is a treasured companion animal. But whatever family is defined as, I know for me, there is nothing more important.
These are the people who know me at my best and at my worst. They have been there through the death of loved ones and the celebrations of new life. My support and hope for the future, whatever disaster or illness I may suffer, comes from those who love me for and in spite of myself.
My "family" is a kaleidoscope of a myriad of different kinds of personalities, talents, and abilities. There are few groups of beings more funny, determined, steadfast, charming, or loving in the whole universe.
Some of these wonderful people are now facing tremendous obstacles. Yet they don't complain. They face them as we have faced everything together; one day at a time, borrowing strength from each other that assuredly will be returned when it is needed most.
What more could anyone wish for? I am grateful for you all; my husband, daughter and step-sons and their awesome partners, granddaughters and grandson, sisters, brothers, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews, in-laws (and OUT-laws), and dear friends.
Happy Thanksgiving!
Monday, November 16, 2009
Gloating, Snarking and Bullying
Gloating, snarking, and bullying. Three characteristics I abhor in human beings. Putting this out there sets me up for attack and I am absolutely aware of that fact. That is my intention. I would rather be a magnet for these kinds of behaviors from people who purport to love me, than allow that behavior to affect those around me who are not as hard-shelled a survivor of a lifetime of exposure to those attacks.
When it comes to my children, of whom I include my siblings, step-children, nieces, nephews and grandchildren, I am a mother bear and will not back down. I rarely get really angry, but when I do there is no further compromise available than for the behavior to stop or for me to remove the vulnerable people from the situation. I have realized, a little late in the game, that some of my own "children" are attacking one another. Looking at the world of animality, one can see that if a den is packed with too many pups or kits that or they are endangered, they begin to attack one another. Added to that is that natural tendency to establish a pack order.
Fortunately we are NOT animals and are endowed with the ability to CHOOSE. We can choose NOT to behave like animals.
Even as human beings we can sometimes slip into acting like we are children; taunting, teasing, bullying, begging, cajoling and committing all manner of heinous acts meant to elevate us in some way above others. We can become selfish trying to protect what is 'ours.' Luckily for me, I lost nearly every material possession I had at least three times in my life. I learned that things mean nothing. I learned that people mean everything.
Where has kindness and wisdom gone?
I am lucky I can chant (Nam Myoho Renge Kyo) until I understand what makes people act as they do to hurt others and to do everything I can to stop any such behavior I demonstrate, myself.
I am not so lucky in that it takes everything I have to continue to believe in my own power so that I make the correct decision to pray every day. For now, I will pray for the strength to PRAY and keep the weak or suffering in my heart as motivation.
When it comes to my children, of whom I include my siblings, step-children, nieces, nephews and grandchildren, I am a mother bear and will not back down. I rarely get really angry, but when I do there is no further compromise available than for the behavior to stop or for me to remove the vulnerable people from the situation. I have realized, a little late in the game, that some of my own "children" are attacking one another. Looking at the world of animality, one can see that if a den is packed with too many pups or kits that or they are endangered, they begin to attack one another. Added to that is that natural tendency to establish a pack order.
Fortunately we are NOT animals and are endowed with the ability to CHOOSE. We can choose NOT to behave like animals.
Even as human beings we can sometimes slip into acting like we are children; taunting, teasing, bullying, begging, cajoling and committing all manner of heinous acts meant to elevate us in some way above others. We can become selfish trying to protect what is 'ours.' Luckily for me, I lost nearly every material possession I had at least three times in my life. I learned that things mean nothing. I learned that people mean everything.
Where has kindness and wisdom gone?
I am lucky I can chant (Nam Myoho Renge Kyo) until I understand what makes people act as they do to hurt others and to do everything I can to stop any such behavior I demonstrate, myself.
I am not so lucky in that it takes everything I have to continue to believe in my own power so that I make the correct decision to pray every day. For now, I will pray for the strength to PRAY and keep the weak or suffering in my heart as motivation.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
If this were my last moment...
...I would find a way to express my love for my children and grandchildren, my husband and my brothers and sisters. There aren't enough words to express the fact that they have done everything from make me laugh to save my life. There is no other way to put it. Then there are my awesome friends and extended family, many of whom are as close as siblings to me. There is enough love to go around and the same comments can be said of you all...you have made me laugh...you have saved my life. Could anyone be more blessed? I think not.
Since the beginning of this year, several of my loved was have been or are just now beginning to fight the demon of cancer in their lives. This has given me a slap in the face 'heads up' to how precious each moment is. My dreams tonight woke me from slumber with the thought...fight, eat, pray, rest...then rise to start again.
I would do anything people I love ask of me; if it wears me to the bone, I will do it. It isn't my intention to be self-sacrificing or noble. I just want people to be happy and if something is within my power, no matter the cost, I will attempt it. My deepest sadness is that I cannot fight this battle for them. I can, however, fight it with them. And so we fight. Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
Since the beginning of this year, several of my loved was have been or are just now beginning to fight the demon of cancer in their lives. This has given me a slap in the face 'heads up' to how precious each moment is. My dreams tonight woke me from slumber with the thought...fight, eat, pray, rest...then rise to start again.
I would do anything people I love ask of me; if it wears me to the bone, I will do it. It isn't my intention to be self-sacrificing or noble. I just want people to be happy and if something is within my power, no matter the cost, I will attempt it. My deepest sadness is that I cannot fight this battle for them. I can, however, fight it with them. And so we fight. Nam Myoho Renge Kyo
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Grandchildren
Countless times, I have read..."You don't know what it is to be loved until you've had grandchildren." This experience is a treasure for every possible good reason, not the least of which is seeing a beautiful being emerge from the tiny creature you, yourself created. How wonderful to hear them call you for the first time; to hear..."Grandma, I love you."
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Time
The older I get the faster time goes. It is a fact, not a theory, that I have tested every year in numerous ways.
Some might argue it is my perception of time that is changing. My rebuttal would include that as proof. Not only to I perceive it, I believe it. If Einstein were living, I would bet by now that he would have concluded the same thing. After all, if we were slipping into a black hole, would we not only become more dense, but move faster and faster? :-)
If anyone has any comment, I'd LOVE to hear it. Yes, I am a Sci-Fi fan! There's nothing like a good Star Trek movie to get me thinking like this! In the meantime...may your summer wonderful and may fall come late.
Some might argue it is my perception of time that is changing. My rebuttal would include that as proof. Not only to I perceive it, I believe it. If Einstein were living, I would bet by now that he would have concluded the same thing. After all, if we were slipping into a black hole, would we not only become more dense, but move faster and faster? :-)
If anyone has any comment, I'd LOVE to hear it. Yes, I am a Sci-Fi fan! There's nothing like a good Star Trek movie to get me thinking like this! In the meantime...may your summer wonderful and may fall come late.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Vacations
I LOVE to go with my family and friends on holiday! It is such a treat to be with them when there are no worries about work or appointments or the mundane. It's great to relax and enjoy each other and the space we are sharing! Take LEECH LAKE and Big Rock Resort; water, sun, pool, hot tub, fishing, play ground, walks in the woods, sidewalk chalk, fishing, trips to town for shopping, grilling out on the barbecue, catching a turtle for a minute or two, fishing, listening to the loons on the lake as we fall asleep, seeing an otter or a bear on the shore line, having the boat buzzed by a bald eagle, and seeing more stars than anywhere else on earth. Oh, and fishing!
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Rainbows and dogs
Life seems to leap from challenge to joy to challenge with every heartbeat.
Today was a day made for sitting in the shade in the backyard, watching the babies splash in wading pools and play with the dogs. Tired from the sun and cooking and playing, everyone napped. An enormous and complete rainbow is visible east of our house, right outside the front picture window. Rainbows usually fade quickly, but this one has been there for ten minutes and just keeps getting brighter as the thunder rolls. Still not a drop of rain...
My oldest and best dogfriend, an Akita we call StarBuck, has come to my room as the thunder grows louder. He will be ten years old August 27th, a very old dog as Akitas go. Giant breeds average 8-10 years; it is thus my greatest fortune to be able to touch his tremendous, soft tail with my toes. He has made it through so many rough times to live this long. He only recently developed arthritis and has suffered long from allergies that need to be treated with steroids that were supposed to shorten his life or at least damage his kidneys. He's obviously disproved those theories, so far!
Just about four years ago, around Halloween, because we love "Buck" so much and knew he was aging, we got another Akita pup. Smokey Bear came to our home after I fell in love with his little black face (Buck's is white) from two litters someone bred (yes, I should know better) in their backyard. Too late, we discovered major genetic problems resulting from inbreeding would affect him for the rest of his life. He's gone blind twice and nearly, again just last week. "Smoke" is a sweet, gentle dog who reminds you of the people you might see and think..."he has an ancient soul."
There is no doubt that both of them have been known to me for lifetimes and I am sure will know in lifetimes to come. The two of them have disproven much about traditional thought on Akitas. Reading about the breed, you are told it is not advisable to have more than one dog, but especially not two of the same sex. After a couple of "I'm the top dog...No I'M the top dog" fights, the have settled into a coexistence and can barely stand being separated. Our vet, Dr. J, was so scared of Akitas when we first visited that when he opened the door and saw 100 lb. Buck, backed up and said..."hold your dog, hold his head!" before he would come in to examine him. After nine years in his care, Dr. J now comes in to the exam room with a pocket FULL (if you knew Buck, you'd know why) of dog treats. He and all the vets in our clinic say they've never seen an Akita with such a gentle disposition...until they met Smokey. I only know I am privileged to know them both.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
FEAR
Fear is the great denier of good. Quoting great people, you'll find it said over and over again in myriad ways.
When I found out my sister was sick with cancer, my first thought was "We WILL WIN!" Then I felt it...the fear crept over me like a blanket of ice, threatening to freeze me in place. Instinct hit me like a mallet...SHAKE!!! HARD!!! HARDER!!!
The resulting peace and determination to take one step at a time into battle, to gather what weapons I could find and fight, made me realize I truly fear nothing. Not cancer, not pain, and certainly not death. But...
What about the pain and fear of my loved ones?! What can I do to stop it? I can not only chant, Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, but I will teach others. From my own experience, I know without doubt that the results of chanting are incalculable. The truth of it is that I have the most powerful weapon of all.
I am, however, human. I am sometimes weak. Lifetimes ago, when I was young and we saw hurt and rage and faced it hour by hour as siblings, I had no answers. I begged an invisible force for help and there was none. Those memories, embedded in my deepest psychic recesses, haunt my present and are the one obstacle to success. They darken my hope and take my breath away before I realize their power to suffocate me has choked me to silence. I remember.
This is my challenge...to overcome and open every pore, open every door, open every single opportunity to chant and MAKE THIS HAPPEN. Kill cancer. Kill pain. Kill fear.
When I found out my sister was sick with cancer, my first thought was "We WILL WIN!" Then I felt it...the fear crept over me like a blanket of ice, threatening to freeze me in place. Instinct hit me like a mallet...SHAKE!!! HARD!!! HARDER!!!
The resulting peace and determination to take one step at a time into battle, to gather what weapons I could find and fight, made me realize I truly fear nothing. Not cancer, not pain, and certainly not death. But...
What about the pain and fear of my loved ones?! What can I do to stop it? I can not only chant, Nam Myoho Renge Kyo, but I will teach others. From my own experience, I know without doubt that the results of chanting are incalculable. The truth of it is that I have the most powerful weapon of all.
I am, however, human. I am sometimes weak. Lifetimes ago, when I was young and we saw hurt and rage and faced it hour by hour as siblings, I had no answers. I begged an invisible force for help and there was none. Those memories, embedded in my deepest psychic recesses, haunt my present and are the one obstacle to success. They darken my hope and take my breath away before I realize their power to suffocate me has choked me to silence. I remember.
This is my challenge...to overcome and open every pore, open every door, open every single opportunity to chant and MAKE THIS HAPPEN. Kill cancer. Kill pain. Kill fear.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
Summer begins
I love the changing seasons, but I must admit to finding summer the biggest challenge. In 1976, I suffered extreme heatstroke and ever since I can't seem to handle temperatures over 78 unless there's little to no humidity. That means I stay indoors a lot when everyone else is out enjoying the sun. As a means to help ease my woes, I bought a little gazebo so I can sit outside and write or paint or play guitar or entertain my grandchildren in the shade.
I love to garden and watch things grow; to harvest and preserve my own food, making jams and sauces and experimenting with new veggies I pull from my little growing space. The heat of summer forces the tiny seeds out of the comfort of the warm bosom of Mother Earth and into the face of the sun. Even though it is a struggle, they grow and mature, fulfilling the mission of helping to sustain my life. And so it is, I try to appreciate the season that makes it possible.
Even though the heat is sometimes unbearable to me, I relish in the fact that Denny, my spouse, partner and friend, has made a summer home for us in Minnesota. I lay down my anxiety and my worries and go there with an empty slate. I try to keep it that way from the time I arrive to the moment I get in my car to leave. I don't want to do anything on a schedule while I am there...I don't want to think about it. I just want to do. It makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world.
Peaceful dreams...
I love to garden and watch things grow; to harvest and preserve my own food, making jams and sauces and experimenting with new veggies I pull from my little growing space. The heat of summer forces the tiny seeds out of the comfort of the warm bosom of Mother Earth and into the face of the sun. Even though it is a struggle, they grow and mature, fulfilling the mission of helping to sustain my life. And so it is, I try to appreciate the season that makes it possible.
Even though the heat is sometimes unbearable to me, I relish in the fact that Denny, my spouse, partner and friend, has made a summer home for us in Minnesota. I lay down my anxiety and my worries and go there with an empty slate. I try to keep it that way from the time I arrive to the moment I get in my car to leave. I don't want to do anything on a schedule while I am there...I don't want to think about it. I just want to do. It makes me feel like the luckiest person in the world.
Peaceful dreams...
Friday, June 19, 2009
First Day
The power of the written word should never be underestimated. Communication is an art and a responsibility I take very seriously. Sharing my life without embarrassing anyone or revealing secrets that hurt will take great care and crafting. I want to build a bridge to others with words of love and meaning. It won't always be pretty or nice...it might sometimes be colloquial and quaint and sometimes it will be simple and sweet. But, I hope it will always be interesting!
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